Fighting First Triggers/ Learning to do the Holidays Alone.

Hey Guys! I know I haven’t written in a while but I started my new job and also I have been down a bit. I didn’t realize that having to do all of this alone would have any impact on me, but it has. I am just now learning and figuring out how to let go of certain things as well as staying sober and happy. I also had my first “trigger” last night which was pretty intense. I always thought people who said they had “triggers” or “cravings” were not that serious, but I was wrong. Let me tell you about my job first.

I started working my new job this past Monday and I absolutely love it. I don’t want to put the name of the place on here, but I really think that it will give me the opportunity to help people and stuff. I had orientation this past week where I learned all about all the opportunities that my company provides and I am super excited for it. By the end of the week though (Thursday) was Thanksgiving and I had my first big holiday without Tommy. Man oh man did it hit hard.

I tried to be super happy all day Thanksgiving and I tried to smile and laugh, but it was hard. All day I spent my alone time either thinking about him, or shading a tear to two because this time last year I was with him. It’s really hard to go day-to-day without him, much less a big holiday. I spent it with family though, and they tried to up my spirits as much as possible. Even though I appreciated it a lot, It was still very hard. I just can’t believe that he’s not really here anymore to spend the holidays with us. It just breaks my heart as Christmas is coming up, and its chilly outside. Usually these times are spent with the person whom you “love” so its been pretty difficult for me to deal with. I try not to think about it too much, but it is hard! I have though still been collecting my random pennies/dimes that he sends me. It’s almost every day! When I get those I get super excited and happy!! We also went shopping for “Black Friday” that evening and we went into Wax-Mart, HOLY SHIT it was crazy packed out. I’ve never been black friday shopping before, but it was super fun to me. I really enjoyed it. My mom on the other hand, hated it lol. Last night though was crazy though. Last night I had my first trigger, my first crave, and I about lost it.

I was watching one of those “drug lord” shows (probably not the best but I figured that I would be fine). Well a part came on where there were two people shooting up heroin. When I saw that I immediately got super HOT, SWEATY, and my HEART was RACING . It was so insane. I had to turn off the show and actually step outside to take a few breaths. It was almost as if I was there with those people. It was like I felt their high. I haven’t had any urge or craving in almost 7 weeks. So this was a whole different thing to live. Let me tell you, TRIGGERS ARE REAL! It was then that I told myself that no way was I ready to watch shows like that, Or even think to get off my medicine. I would definitely relapse if I were to do any of that!

Other that all of the I have looked forward to my “Dr1ven Industries” T-shirts that are supposed to be in today. I also am looking forward to my second week at my new job. When I work and keep myself super busy, I def don’t think of things near as much. I also looked up some “trigger coping” tips to help with triggers . I will post them on here. I am also going to make an appointment with the medium again to try to speak to Tommy because of the holidays and stuff. It just feels nice to feel like I am with him and talking to him. Anyways, I hope you all have an amazing week! I am going to get back on my feet and post way more than I have been. I have totally been slacking! lol Love you all -Jen




Are you Dr1ven?

Hey you guys!! Its been a little bit since I’ve last written but I have had A LOT going on lately. I am super excited for the future and for the first time in a very long time I can finally say that I am happy. It has been so long since I have been able to look in the mirror as smile. Its been so long since I have been able to walk through a store with my head held high and smiled and spoke to people randomly just to say “hi”. Its been a long time where I have been able to go out at all without wearing a long sleeve shirt or makeup to cover up/hide my track marks on my arms. But today, I can proudly say that I am now able to do all the above without hesitation at all. Lets get into whats been going on lately.

Okayyyy, well I will start off by saying every woman knows that when she gets a haircut it makes her feel 10x better. I don’t know why that is but it’s true for me as well. Anytime I go and get my haircut, I come back and feel brand new lol. Well this past Friday (11/9/18) not only did I get a haircut, I cut about 6in off! I have always had long hair my whole entire lie. I have never had short hair at all. The shortest I think my hair has ever been is maybe the mid way of where my breasts are. But this time I decided to go for a big change since I’ve been going through a lot of them lately. My hair is to my shoulders now!!!! I was shocked when I saw it after my hairdresser was done. ( By the way if you ever need a great hair cut and you come to Mobile, Al area, go to Hair Saloon they are the best). I didn’t know how I would feel about it, but I definitely LOVE it! I am so glad I did it. I posted a before/after picture below!

Ok the next thing I wanted to tell you guys is that I GOT A JOB! Since moving back to Mobile I haven’t been working. I wanted to get my life back on track and in order before I started to work again. Well yesterday made 5 WEEKS of being clean, and I got some pretty good news on that great day. I applied at a developmental center for children and I had my interview last week. The manager called me yesterday to come into the office. When I got there she offered me the position, and I of course said YES! I did my drug screen there, and then filled out my paperwork for my background check(which should be back by this coming Friday). So my first official day should be next Monday!! I am super excited.

I must say though, after all the things that’s happened to me lately what I am about to tell you is probably my favorite. I have been speaking to the man who runs an industry called “Dr1ven Industries”. His name is Eric and he supports/helps people who have suffered from addiction, mental health, abuse,suicide, etc. He is one AWESOME human being let me tell you! Well, he read my blog and said that he liked it and offered to let me do a podcast with him so that I could tell my story and he would add it to his website so others can listen. IT WAS AMAZING!!!!! We talked and I told my story and he listened and asked a few questions and that was it. But it was so exhilarating to be able to speak to someone like him and be able to share what I have gone through. I am hoping thats people will hear it and it can possibly change their life!! If you would like to get in touch with Eric and talk with him, you can visit his website, or find him on social media through “Dr1ven Industries”. He is awesome and I would recommend him to any and every one. I am also going to share the link to the podcast right here in case anyone would like to listen to it!!

Last but not least, remember when I wrote the last blog about me finding a dime on the ground and then going back and reading that it popped up on my screen how finding random change is a sign from someone up above? (If you don’t know what I am talking about, it is the last blog post I wrote before this one) Well, every single day since I posted that I have found random pennies/dimes everywhere!! I have never noticed or seen them before this. I have found at least 1 a day and it is so cool. They are randomly by my clothes, on the floor where I walk, or like yesterday I got out to pump my gas and as I was pumping I look down and there was a penny just sitting there right beside my tire. I have collected each one that I have found and I started saving them in a little bag! Each time I find one I get super stoked  and I pick it up and I look straight to the sky and make sure I thank Tommy and tell him how much I love him and to keep on sending me coins. I joke sometimes and say “Bring me 100 dollar bills”. haha but I am just joking of course. It makes me feel so good when I get random signs like that. It makes me feel full inside and that he is for sure still around!

Anyways guys I am also going to be doing some Blogging here soon. Not only will I be posting on here, but I will be making videos as well. Hopefully I will get to do more podcasts with Eric. Things are looking up for sure and I haven’t felt this happy in years. It’s crazy to me how much sobriety can change someones life 360 degrees. So many great and positive things are happening all around me. And I know it definitely wouldn’t have happened if It wasn’t for me keeping my faith and getting clean. If you are struggling with any kind of addiction or mental disorder I urge you to get help. It has been the best decision of my whole entire life. I know you may be scared, or a little hesitant but I promise it is way easier than you think. If you have any questions feel free to contact me any day/ any time. I am always here 24/7 for anyone!! Thanks guys for reading and I hope you all have an amazing day!! Go listen to my podcast as well!!! Love you all -Jen

P.S. here is my conatct info if anyone would like to use it to contact me for anything! Addiction is not easy, getting help is!!          Instagram- jenna_b03.      Twitter- @xxjeb03xx

Facebook -Jenna Barnes

******HERE IS THE LINK TO MY PODCAST – 5 weeks into Sobriety and Why the Change


vet (Veterans Day I went and got some food for the fam)hairimage1 copy


“Don’t Cover my Scars, Let Them Bleed”

Good Morning guys! Today is Wednesday November 7, 2018. Today would have been mine and Tommys 1 year, 10 months. So, it is kind of a down day.. But at the same time I have some really cool news to share, kind of lifted my spirits up a bit! And I also have some other news to share that definitely put me in a big situation relating to my sobriety, but I did good.

Ok lets start with this past Sunday night. I went to my grandmothers house to visit my nieces. One of my siblings that lives there (I don’t want to put her name or any info about her on here without her permission), is also an addict. When I got there my sister was not there and hadn’t been since 9 pm the night before. My 3 year old niece was being watched by my 91 year old grandmother and my gmother called me asking me to come over and help her because no one had heard from my sister at all. Her phone had no mins so all she could use was wifi but I had a feeling I knew exactly where she was at. Anyways, I got in touch with her and she made up a story as to why she wasn’t home/hasn’t even called but I just said ok and got to my grandmothers houses as fast as I could to relieve her. Now let me tell you for 91 years old my gmother still drives, cleans, paints, etc. She still gets around very well for her age, but still she doesn’t need to be taking care of a 3 year old for that long by herself. About 2:00/3:00 that afternoon my sis finally made it home. She was clearly zooming out of her mind, but I didn’t want to start an argument so I didn’t say anything mean and I just brushed it off and took my niece to go get ice cream. When I got back from the store I walked into my sisters room and sitting RIGHT THERE on the bed, in plain sight, was a needle that she had morphine in it. As long as scales, her pipe, and other pills and such laying on the bed. When I saw that needle with the morphine in it I got SUPER HOT. I started sweating and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it for like 10 seconds. When I came to my senses, I just took off in the other room because I knew that I couldn’t be around it just yet. I am not strong enough right now. Well, about 30 min later my sis came into the room that I was in and offered me some of the drugs. I calmly, as nice as I could, told her to please not ask me that again that I am doing very good and that I never wanted any of that again. I also asked her to keep it out of sight out of mind so that I wouldn’t walk in and see that for one, for two my nieces could walk in and see that! Or worse, my youngest niece would clearly not have a clue what it was and she could get a hold of it and kill her!! After that she said ok, that she respected me and wouldn’t ask again. Well my sister is the type that doesn’t like to get high by herself, because she doesn’t want someone to say “She got high right in front of me” blah blah. So she doesn’t want to do it in front of anyone and them be able to tell on her. If she gets someone to do it with her, then she knows they won’t say anything. She kept asking me over and over again for probably like a hour straight until I snapped. I told her that she needed help asap. I begged her to come to the clinic with me and get clean, get a job, get her own place. I also told her that she is going to lose her kids if she doesn’t stop. Because my mom doesn’t play about that and she’s on her last straw with her. But she seems to think that she doesn’t have a problem, and says she doesn’t need help. ANYWAYS, I got super off track and rambled on lol. But I was strong enough to say no and remove myself from that situation. Thats going to be the hard part because its not like I can ignore or not see my sister for the rest of my life. I am just going to have to be strong every time I am around her and keep trying to get her to get help! That wasn’t the only test that I have been through the past few days though……

Yesterday I went out to my car to put a coin in my purse (that is actually a cool story that I will get to next). As I opened my wallet, I opened a pocket that I don’t really use so that I would know that my dime wouldn’t fall out. Well, I’ll be damned if when I opened that pocket sitting right there, plain as day, was a baggie with heroin still in it. Now it wasn’t lot but it wasn’t empty thats for sure. I freaked out on the inside and my stomach hit the floor. I actually started crying because I was thinking to myself “when is this ever gonna get easier”. But I was very proud of myself because I was able to pour it out in the toilet, and I burned the bag that it was in. I took a picture just to prove that I had it and was able to throw away, but I decided that it would be too much to post on here. It could also trigger someone who could be on here reading. But besides having some crappy things happen the past few days I have had something really cool and amazing go on as well!!!

Yesterday morning I was outside walking up and down the driveway just playing on my phone. As I was walking I looked down and I noticed that there was a dime on the ground. I specifically remember not picking up the dime because it was on tails. I ignored it and kept doing what I was doing, didn’t think anything of it. I mean come on after all it was a dime. Could have easily been dropped by someone coming in or out of their car. A few min later, I came inside and started to get on here. I have been wanting to talk to a medium ever since Tommy has passed. I have contacted quite a few. Some of them kind of knew some details, some didn’t. I have been on a search to find the perfect person. I got on here and I wanted to see if there were any mediums with blogs. Maybe I would find a good one and be able to contact Tommy. Y’all, I clicked on one of the first one that showed up, and when I clicked on it this was the first line that I read.. “A medium that I spoke to once told me this: If you find a dime, you know I’m sending thoughts of love through the veil of time. Then cents with a silver shine, A sense sent you to help remind that someone who left you behind is always living in your mind. Sending love and vibes, felt as a psychic signs.. the one that you miss, send you a kiss” – Sherrill S. Cannon.. WHEN I READ THAT I STARTED BAWLING MY EYES OUT! I was so shocked that I couldn’t move for a few mins. I kept reading it over an over again to make sure that I was reading it correctly. (picture at bottom) I then ran outside and when I got to that dime it WAS ON HEADS!!!! I swear I specially didn’t pick that dime up due to it being on tails. I felt like I was crazy! I picked that dime up and I kissed it and I looked up at the sky and all I could say with tears streaming down my face was “I love you more than all the sand grains in the world”. (that was our saying). It was absolutely amazing. After that I really really was so anxious to talk to someone. Thats when I read about a woman named Sammy Rawlinson, and I messaged her.

Late light night I finally got the courage to email Sammy. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what exactly to write. I was also super scared that she may tell me things that may hurt me or that I didn’t want to hear. But, I didn’t care, I wanted to talk to him so so bad. I emailed her last night, and this morning she responded!! I am so so so blessed that she wrote me back. There are things she has said to me that there is no way that she could’ve known!! It was been a very emotional morning for sure. I have feelings or happiness that I got to connect with him, also feelings of sadness because I miss him so much. Some of the things Sammy told me were out of this world. It was simply amazing! If anyone out there reading this wants to talk or contact someone who has passed, I very much recommend her.

Anyways, I hope you all have a great day. I hope whoever is reading this got touched by something that was said in my post. If you are struggling with addiction, know you’re not alone. If you’re struggling with grief, know you are not alone. NO matter what you have going on in your life know that you are NOT alone. I am here 24/7. I would absolutely love to connect and talk to anyone who would like to vent, or get anything off your chest. Sometimes it is a little easier to talk to people you don’t really know rather than the ones that you do. Thank you all for reading this post. There will be many more to come!! You all have a great day.  -Jen

signssdimeimage3 The page where I got the original writing is Karenwritesmurder . I didn’t want to not give her page credit. Thank you for sharing.


November 4, 2018 (6 Months without you)

Today is November 4, 2018. For the past week it has been pretty hard because I wasn’t looking forward to how I was going to feel today. I knew that I would be emotional and I knew that it would be painful. I thought about just sleeping the day away. But, I knew that wasn’t the best solution to it. Today makes 6 months since Tommy has passed. It is insane to me how fast these past 6 months have flown by. Half a year already gone. Boom, just like that. I am super sad, and I can’t help but to wonder where we would be if he were to still be here.

Would we be married? Would we be sober and doing the right thing? Or would it be the exact same thing that it was before? There’s no doubt that if I would’ve known then what I know now that things would’ve been incredibly different. I regret all the nights that we fought and I would end up on the couch ignoring him because I would be so mad. I would go back and just hold him and tell him that it all would be ok. I would hold him and beg him to get help. I would guide him along instead of getting on his ass. But I can’t change that now. All I can do is focus on my sobriety and making myself a better person!

There is no doubt that if I wasn’t sober that I would be absolutely as loaded as possible today. I would have used a crazy amount and tried to drown out my pain. I would have used every excuse in the book to be as introverted from people and mad at the world. But I AM sober! And I CAN do this! I am so thankful that I am. I can conquer this day, and days that are to come in a whole different perspective and light. I can remember the good times that I had with him and laugh and smile instead of cry! And it also helps that I am not alone!

There are so many of you guys out there who are just like me right now. So many of y’all who have lost someone so dear to you that it tears you apart on the daily. I also know that unfortunately there are people who are still using today to get rid of that pain. But you don’t have to! And you are NOT alone! You may be scared to get sober. Scared that all your emotions will come back to surface and that it’s something you don’t want to face. But you can face it and you do not have to face any of these feelings by yourself. If anyone is reading this and it seems like I am taking to you, don’t hesitate to reach out! If not to me, to anyone else! There are sooo many of us out there who are more alike that you think! I don’t know if sharing my story so far has helped anyone. But I am going to continue to do this until I know for a fact that it has. I am here.. others are here as well. Thank you all! This is a very hard day for me, but I am very thankful! -Jen

“If heaven wasn’t so far away”


Almost 4 Weeks Clean!

That has been almost 4 weeks ago that I decided to get help. It has changed my life around for the better. My relationship with my family is stronger than ever! I have more support now than I ever have had from them. Me and my mom are super close again. I go to the clinic every single morning to take my medicine, I attend group once a week, and I also have a counselor that I talk to daily. I have had so many people, even my grandmother who had no clue that I ever was using or doing anything like that at all, she looked at me last week and said “Jenna I don’t know what is going on but I can see something very different in your eyes. You look so good, baby”. It means so much to me to be alive today. For the first time in a long time I look in the mirror and no longer see death. I have gained a lot of weight back and I no longer look like a dead woman walking. I see someone who is very much alive!!! Its one of the best feelings in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I wake up every single day and my first thought is Tommy, and my last thought is him as well. I still get his phone and I still sit and talk to him. That is my biggest issue right now, dealing with his death. This month will make 6 months since he has passed and each day feels the exact same as the very first day. But I am not alone in dealing with it . I have help! I am learning how to deal with grief and I am learning how to do it the right way! Sober. I am more positive than I have ever been. I am excited to see where my life will take me now. My goal is to help people. People like me. People in the dark, who are struggling. People who just need to talk/vent. Addicts, stealers, dealers. It doesn’t matter. I am here to listen. I am 100 percent dedicated to my sobriety, and I am even more dedicated to helping other people! So to anyone who had read my story, if you need help or you want to talk, I am right here. I would love to hear from you!! Any time, any day. Thank you for reading my story. I will be posting a lot more about how I am doing and continue posting my sobriety. Life is a blessing, you literally never know when it could be taken away… I hope to hear from you all soon. Thank you! -Jen

My Real Life Nightmare

May 4, 2018 at 2:30 am was my last conversation with Tommy. His last words to me were “I love you, I will see you soon”. Little did I know what that meant. I was supposed to go get him that weekend. He was going to come down and see my little nieces, and I was going to go home with him. Home. He was my home. We had been through so much, I just knew this was going to be our fresh start. But it wasn’t.

I woke up around 8:00 that morning. The first thing I did was check my phone. I had nothing from Tommy. I got on Facebook and saw that his active light was on, so I started to blow him up. Text, after message, after call. But I got no answer, and no messages back. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. But I thought that maybe he decided to change his mind. That he was just gonna leave and that he didn’t want me, or to work on us anymore. I thought all the worst things until I got a facebook notification, but it wasn’t from Tommy. It was from a guy that knew us both. The message said ” I am sorry about Tommy, I am here if you need anything”. I had no idea what he was talking about so I started making some phone calls. He was gone. At 4:30 am on May 4, 2018 Tommy was pronounced dead on the side of the interstate. He had “fallen asleep” at the wheel. My whole world as I knew it, crumbled at my feet. I rushed to my car and I made it to Shelby Co. in probably 2 1/2 hours flat. I went to his mom’s house and we were all so confused. The family believed he fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road into a tree. I knew that wasn’t right. Since then so many stories have surfaced. Tommy was on the interstate because he was on his way to me, that was the only fact we had. Some people have said that he did some things to the wrong people and they did what they had to do. The day before he had been to so many different places and around so many different people. No matter what happened, no matter what I believed happened, only ONE thing was 100 percent true. He was gone. The dope game took the love of my life from me. And I felt like it was my fault.

Over the next several months I started using heroin heavier than I ever had before. And I was now no longer snorting it. I was definitely using IV, every single times. Multiple times a day. I thought to myself that if I hadn’t had begged him to come to me that night, he may not have been in that car at that time and he would still be here. I felt like it was all my fault. He was gone, and I blamed myself. I was back on the streets. This time, I was on my own with “friends” that me and Tommy shared together. Dope friends of course. I was using almost a half a gram of heroin a day. I looked horrible, I weighed maybe 100 pounds soaking wet. I had track marks up and down my arms. But I did not care at all. I didn’t want to live. I wanted to die, and be with him. No one could tell me any different nor try to convince me any other way. I figured I would be dead within the next 6 months. So I wanted to go to Mobile and see my family one last time before I may never see them again. But when I got home, my mom sat me down and asked me questions and I couldn’t take it. I broke down and told her everything I as doing. I showed her my arms, I told her how I felt, with tears down her face she said “Jenna, for me, please try to get help. I can’t lose you”. When my mom told me that, I saw a side of her that I hadn’t seen in years. My mom at one point was my best friend. But I had pushed her so far away within the last 5 years from all of my fuck ups. I saw a side of her that I longed for. And I agreed to get help.  I didn’t know if it would work, but I agreed to just give it a try. I am glad I did!

Welcome to the Streets!

In late December of 2016 I knew I needed a change. I needed a chance to do better.  I decided to move about 4 hours north of Mobile into a small town in Shelby Co. I lived up there with my best friend, she’s definitely more like a sister to me now, named Kel. I was actually doing very well. I was clean, and I started dating the first guy I ever really dated. Pain pills were pretty much non existent there and even if I tried to look for them, I could never find them. I maybe used 7,8 times total from 2016-2017. Unless I went home to visit. Each time I went home I would most definitely get as many Roxy’s as I could. But then I would go back up north and not pick it up. My relationship with Micah (the guys name) was really rocky because we were just two different people living two different lives and after 11 months of us being back and forth I called it off. But in January of 2017, EVERYTHING changed.

His name was Tommy. From the moment that I first hung out with him I was completely infatuated with him. I tried to keep my distance because he was a lot younger than me and he was most def a typical “dope boy”. I don’t know if it was the fact that I had never experienced or seen anything like what he was, or the fact that his smile was to die for, I was utterly becoming obsessed with him. On January 7, 2017 he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was easily one of the best days of my life, and without any hesitation I said yes. The butterflies I had were unreal! There was only one problem. The family that I lived with at the time didn’t approve of Tommy. The told me if I wanted to be with him that I needed to leave. But I was completely in love and I respected their request and I left with him. We had no where to go. Tommy lived the street life for sure. I had never seen “hard drugs” in my life. I had never witnessed big drug deals, scales, guns, any of it. I never ever had to worry about where I would lay my head at night, or if I was going to be able to shower that day or not. But, here I was. I chose to run away with this guy who I barely know and live my life day to day with no clue on what would happen. But, no one was going to stop me. I loved him. I will never forget about a week of basically living out of my jeep, I met up with Kel to talk to her and she gave me a hug and said, “welcome to the streets baby girl, get out while you can”. But it was exciting to me. It was a whole new adventure and I had nothing to lose. No rules. Just me and my man side by side all day every day. I was with him 24/7 and there was no where else that I would have rather been than in his arms. But things were tough. He sold dope to get us through. I was always surrounded by drugs, and guns. Having to watch our backs to see if the cops were anywhere to be found. But surprisingly I was clean. Tommy used meth (ice), and I absolutely wanted no part in that so I was always the sober one. After a few months I started to notice how bad the meth would change him. I hated it. I knew I wanted more for us. More for him. I sat him down and told him that I was no longer going to live this life and that if he wanted to be with me he needed to get off of the meth, get a good job, and take care of me the right way. I left to come back to Mobile in April 2017 because I wanted him to know I was serious. We had been through so much. Some f the things I had seen and been through the past 3 months was something that I absolutely never in a million years thought that I would ever see in my life. Some nights I just knew something bad was going to happen to us. I stayed having huge anxiety and I lost so much weight. I knew I wanted to be with him, I just wanted to change. On May 15th, after an absolute insane day where Tommy had been up way too long, and he made a suicide threat, and I just knew he would kill me too as that loaded gun was at my head, we went to his moms.

He cried the whole way there. I just held him. The man that he was when he wasn’t using, vs the man he was when he was high and up for days, were 2 completely different people. He had a heart of GOLD. He was so funny and charming to me. I had his back no matter what. I knew he was capable of so much. He had a rough childhood and he was exposed to that lifestyle as such a young age that I really didn’t blame him. Hell he was still young, he was still learning. And in my head I knew he could be so amazing. When we got to his mom’s house she told us that we could stay there as long as no drugs were anywhere around, we got jobs, and we were respectful. The only reason we stayed with his mom was because she would be moving out in August and was going to let us take over the payments on the house if we wanted it. Trust me, at 27 years old I was most def not looking forward to being told what to do by anyone. But it was a pretty nice house, with cheap monthly payments and fully furnished. We were starting from scratch, I couldn’t say no. We needed it!! We both got jobs and he got clean and I was still clean as well. Life couldn’t have been any better. We got engaged and we were so happy! But one night in mid July, the devil himself entered the house. Heroin.

Tommy came home from work and said he needed to talk to me. He told me that some of his coworkers and him were talking and one thing led to another and someone gave him some heroin to try. When he got clean I told him that if we couldn’t get high together, then we couldn’t get high at all. And since pills were non-existent up there, and I didn’t like uppers we were both just not going to use. It didn’t mean that I never thought about it, or never wanted to. I just could never find any opiates. Well when he came home that night with heroin, I had never really tried it before. But, I knew it was like a pain pill. Tommy’s exact words to me were ” we can just try it, I want to get high with you and you will like this”. In that moment, 2 lines were laid out, and our lives changed forever. Tommys mom moved out 2 weeks early due to her other house being done. So there we were, we both had jobs, our own place, but now we were using heroin daily.

I had never felt withdraws like I did when I didn’t have any heroin. Me and Tommy were both so sick and it turned the both of us to be so mean. We made sure at any costs that no matter what, we had some. When we had it and we were high, it was like we were un touchable and the best couple in the world. But when one of us was dope sick, it was hell on earth. We got into so many fights and arguments. Tommy lost his job due to failing a drug test and so he was back to selling dope so we had money. He would be gone for 7, 8 hours a night and I would be all alone at the house. I would blow his phone up until he would answer. I found out that he was back to using meth as well as the heroin. He lied to me about anything under the sun. He cheated on me as well. I was heartbroken. But I was using to cover it all up. All I wanted was him. I was so in love with him, and I know he loved me too. I know it was the drugs that were tearing us apart. I just didn’t know what to do. We had sprouts and periods where we would try to get clean, but they wouldn’t last long. Our fights would get physical.They were getting worse. I didn’t know what to do. In late April of this year (2018) , we were arguing about getting clean and it got pretty physical and he broke my nose. I left. I came back home to Mobile. I was exhausted! He was the love of my life but things were so toxic and so out of control that I needed him to know that I was serious this time. I loved him, but I had to love myself too.  But little did I know that when I left, he got worse.

We talked everyday. But he wasn’t the same. He was using way more than he ever had. And he was also using whatever drug he could get. He was selling Ice and getting involved with people who were absolutely bad news. Scary people. I begged him to get help. I begged him to just let me come home and us start over. But he said that when I left, that he felt like I abandoned him. He was angry with me. He was doing the most at this point. I would literally call/text him 648641 thousand times a day. Most of the time he wouldn’t answer. I knew why. But when he would, I would just break down. The sheer sound of his voice cut through me like a knife. I would cry and cry. I FINALLY got him to tell me that he would come see me and we would talk, and I would get to come home. He promised we would start over. We talked about moving to Florida with his grandmother and us getting away from all those people and living a whole different life. But, I never would get that chance. Ever.

My Introduction

Ok, here we go. My name is Jenna. I am 28 years old from Mobile, Al. I’ve never done anything like this before, nor have I ever been this open to people about my life. All I ask is that you guys be patient with me and try to understand that this has been super hard for me to come out and write and tell you. Also, I know there are some grammar mistakes in my posts. I am definitely not an English major lol. Bare with me please. Well, let’s get into why I am here…

The whole purpose of me making this blog is to help people. That’s the main goal. To talk to others, hear their stories, and relate on different levels. I want to be able to be as open as possible, and I am most definitely going to be brutally honest. There may at a certain time be topics that are a little bit uncomfortable, or sad, but I am not here to judge anyone. Also, it is definitely not my place to tell you if you are wrong or right. I just simply want to help.

ADDICTION. 1 word, 9 letters, destructive meaning. People who do not know anything about being addicted to something have absolutely ZERO clue about the hell that one word can bring upon someone. I have heard several times from multiple people that it is a form of a ”pity party”, a form of how to get “attention” from someone else; a choice. But let me tell you, it may have started off as a choice, yes that can be correct. I can see where I chose to wake up and put a needle in my arm. I can also see how it can even be a way for some people to get attention. Maybe a guy/girl was doing it and someone wanted to be “cool”, or did it for someone else to like them. But after that one time that I chose to do it, it no longer became a choice for me, it became a demon that I feared would never leave. It wasn’t always that way for me though.

I had a pretty good childhood. I mean my dad was a drug user and he was in and out of prison and jail for most of my life. I really didn’t know him and I had a great step dad who stepped in when I was real young. I had a childhood like most, I played softball year around, my parents weren’t rich but we weren’t poor either. We lived in a pretty nice neighborhood and I was never exposed to drugs, sex, or alcohol. We were very highly active in church, we took trips due to me playing softball, and family vacations when we could due to my step dad working extra night shifts. He was a police officer, my mom managed a restaurant until I was 10 years old, then she became a stay at home mom because she got pregnant with my twin little sister and brother. School was fine for me. I never got bullied, or made fun of. I was the athletic friend to a lot of people. We had our own little “softball click”. By my 9th grade year of high school, I was the only freshman on the varsity athletic softball team. By my 10th grade year I had colleges looking at me. My senior year I was the captain, and signed a scholarship with the local community college. High school was pretty good to me, I didn’t really have any issues. The only “major” thing in high school was that I labeled myself as a lesbian and I was very proud of that and supported it heavily. My parents didn’t agree and we had some arguments here and there about it but nothing really big. My first two years of college were pretty good. I played softball both years and I received my associates degree, and met the person whom I thought I was going to send the rest of my life with. You know, young love, pretty good life, pretty simple huh? After I got my degree I decided to join the military (Coast Guard) and I had my life figured out! You’re probably thinking “how in the world did this girl with a pretty good life end up being a heroin addict”? Well when I joined the military that’s when life started to go up and down like a rollercoaster for me.

I was stationed in Miami, Fl. I was 21 years old, I was engaged and everything was going  good. Her name was Brittney. She was everything to me. (so I thought). She was in the Navy and stationed about 6 hours north of me. We saw each other when we could but distance sucked pretty bad. It caused sooo many immature and stupid fights. I guess I didn’t realize how far the fighting and jealousy was pushing her away from me. One day I remember her dad telling me “It’s either my daughter, or the Coast Guard”. He was right. We couldn’t keep going with all of that distance and stuff. Well that’s when an accident happened one day at work that forever changed the outcome of my career. I was sitting at a desk filing paperwork when a very well-known officer came up behind me. He put his arms around me, grazed the sides of my breasts, and down to my stomach. I couldn’t move and I was absolutely terrified. He then leaned down and whispered in my ear these exact words… “I am going to take you to the mall, you’re going to hold your stomach, and you’re going to scream as loud as you can why did you get me pregnant daddy”. He laughed it off and he walked away. He was an older man, late 50s maybe. But when he did that, I freaked out. I went to my higher class and told the story. It went up the chain of command and long story short he was forced to retire and I got the option to get an honorable discharge and go home. Well, I chose to get out. Hoping that it would save my relationship and that I could move forward and that everything would be ok. But things didn’t happen that way. I was taking my final PT test when I got the text from Britt saying that she was done with me. She had found someone else and wanted nothing to do with me. And she meant it. She deleted and blocked me and had literally nothing else to say. Boom, just like that. I went crazy! She did that 2 days after I signed the paperwork for me to get out. Two days after it was too late to stay in and try to get over the accident. I guess you could say I went into a deep depression.

1 month later, I returned home. I felt stupid, sad, a failure. I told myself over and over again that I was so stupid, and that I could have gotten over all of that and been ok. That I chose a girl over myself.  I had no clue what I was going to do. That is when the drugs started to play in. I went back to college,but I really didn’t care. I dated here and there but I was never fully into the relationships. Pain pills were introduced to me, and I liked them. At first it was just an every now and then thing. Me and my friends would take them on the weekends or whenever. As the years went by, my friends would take them and put them down. Me on the other hand, I would sneak some here and there. I knew I was doing a lot more than them. And I loved the feeling they gave me. At first it started off with just lortabs, percs. I was working small jobs, and at this point I became a career college student because my ass couldn’t stick to one major and I hated school  so my grades we not that good. I just didn’t care. All I wanted to do was get high. To me I lost my future.I gave it up. And it was very obvious. I lost friends, me and my parents absolutely ruined that great relationship between us. I became numb. When my tolerance grew, I had to get stronger pills. Thats when I was introduced to Roxy’s. From the first time I snorted a Roxy 30mg, my life changed forever. I fell in love. I told people around me that I had a girlfriend named Roxy, and that she was the only girl who never broke my heart. By age 24 I was using every single day. I was becoming dope sick without them, and the friends I had were definitely users as well. I remember the first time I ever used IV. I shot up a morphine 30. I would use IV every blue moon, but I enjoyed snorting my pills better.  I knew that I enjoyed them way too much but I would tell myself that I didn’t have a problem because I worked, had money, wasn’t homeless, I wasn’t what your typical “junkie” was referred as.

I wish I would have stayed that way. Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, little did I know my life was about to take the biggest turn of all.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton